Im happy but there is a heavy feeling of sadness in my heart that I just can't remove. Why am I like this?

What most people don’t know unless they’ve looked more closely is that there is also an element of deep, profound sadness that has always been with me since as long as I can remember.

I had run out of hope.

I was tired of fighting.

Apple’s Spin on the Personalized Siri Apple Intelligence Reset - Daring Fireball

The sadness was still there.

Most people that know me would probably describe me as a social, happy, and somewhat quirky person with a twisted sense of humor.

When I stopped trying to force myself to be something I am not, I gave myself the freedom of being who I am.

How far does good behavior take you in a prison?

Without resistance, sadness has a sense of beauty and depth I cannot find otherwise in life.

But no matter what I read or practiced, I could never make the sadness budge for longer than a few fleeting moments - and even then, it was likely due to me being distracted from the sensation of sadness rather than anything actually shifting.

It’s still here.

Stopping alcoholism gets smarter with smartwatches - The Brighter Side of News

For much of my adult life, I interpreted this sadness as something being wrong - with either myself or my life in general.

This interpretation lead me on a path of self improvement, to fix what I considered to be “wrong” with myself.

Be who you already are.

Could Mauricio Pochettino leave USMNT for Tottenham?: 'It's not realistic' - FOX Sports

Now, this may sound like a story of failure and giving up, but it’s actually a story of liberation.

Your job is not to be the manager of your life, but the one who discovers yourself fully.

So if you are sad - like me - then be sad.

RFK Jr. looks to fast track rare disease drug approvals (updated) - Seeking Alpha

You are the masterpiece you came here to discover.

It wasn’t until about 10 years ago that I finally fell out of that ferris wheel of trying and failing to fix myself.

And the sadness?

U.S. braces for heightened threats in wake of Iran strikes - Axios

I was tired of trying and failing.

What I am trying to say is that when you stop trying to change yourself into something you are not, you give yourself the gift of discovering yourself as you already are.

But unlike before, there is no more resistance to the sadness.

New discovery at the Grand Canyon has rewritten geology textbooks - Earth.com

It’s impossible to overstate the freedom and peace I discovered, and I realized the only one who had been keeping those from me was… me and my imagined standards and expectations for how I had imagined I should be.

So I finally threw my hands up and said something to the tune of “fuck it, since I can't seem to change, I’ll just be whatever I am then.”

It’s difficult to put into words exactly what caused what, but to the best of my ability to describe it, I felt as if my will to keep fighting was beaten right out of me.

‘King of the Hill’ creators slammed for ‘pathetic’ Jonathan Joss tribute after his murder - New York Post

You are like me, then.

In the absence of a should, I was free to be as I am.

Needless to say, my failed attempts to fix my sadness simply brought me more pain and suffering.

Zika Virus Is Back After 6 Years in One of the Most Popular U.S. Tourist Destinations - AOL.com

It’s here now, writing to you.

It’s the most beautiful and liberating thing in the world.